Tina Mancusi: Daily Posts

I hate the clock.
I want it to stop.
Time stand still.
Be on my side.
You go without notice.
You are no friend of mine.

There are a hundred thousand seventy four more days I need with you.

119 hours.
The seconds ticking in my ear like the tap of a shoe.
The wind steals every moment I try to hold on to.
My breath means time is drifting.
Each beat of the heart brings me closer to the end .... or in a perfect world .... the beginning.
I think of the beginning.
How this came to be.
I am lost without you and you are still here.
I can't eat
I can't sleep
I'm trying to find some relief.
Don't wanna smoke anymore tonite.
I can hardly breath under the full moon light.
My heart is pounding ..
I just want to be with you instead.

He's leaving and so am I.
I'm leaving and I don't know when I'm comin back.
I don't know where I'm going to end up.
I hate flying alone.
I'm putting it all on the line.
I'm scared and I don't know who to tell.
I'm in this so deep I can't see out.
I'm trusting you with my life.
I'm betting on this.
I'm betting on us.

I'm exausted.
I ran out of words.
I'm running as fast as I can.

Tina is letting go

You’re the creature under my skin
In the deep of my soul
You are the model ..tragic romance… a beautiful fire
You are my book of love
I am your muse
This story is …. endless

I would have never left, to walk by myself.
I would not have argued over things so small.
I would not have fought with my feelings.
If I knew how much I love you.

It wasn’t your face that I fell in love with, not your eyes looking up at me, not your smile as you became in awe.
It was a feeling. It was your feeling, in that room filled with hundreds of people.
Your feeling, only for me.

the day that man allows true love to appear, those things which are well made will fall into confusion and will overturn everything we be believe to be right and true. the world will become real when man learns how to love; until then we will live in the belief that we know what love is, but we will always lack the courage to confront it as it truly is.

I could start to ask myself the question I always manage to avoid.
Am I truly happy?
What is this eminent sadness lurking behind my eyes?
Where is it coming from?
What am I lacking?
I am independent. I have managed to maintain my apartment while enjoying a life of travel and exploration.
I’m an accomplished singer and writer. I have put down a collection of original recordings.
I am published.
I am very proud of this.
I am an artist.
I’m smart, curious, compassionate.
I’ve become the women I wanted to be.
I am now in love. In love with a man I never thought I would love in this way.
Passionately, intensely, illogically.
This love should never have lasted but it continues..
It become stronger and its intensity grows without my assistance.
I have a in a small sense, set myself up for a complete let down.
I know this, in the back of my mind; I file it away and keep the mental note available for constant review.
Happiness is a state of mind? No.
I believe it’s a state of soul. A state of being. My soul is forever restless. My mind forever wandering. So why then? Why now? Because it’s now or never. It will slowly kill me. I must confront what it is that make me restless.
This feeling of wanting to just go.
Now my story begins.

forgive me for waiting so long but sometimes i just don't know what to say.
I'm overwhelmed with emotion and my head is full of images of you.
i'll wear this feeling on my sleeve.
I shut my eyes because the colors are blinding.
you are the rainbow thats wraps me.
i'm a wet indian summer.
the moon rides me.
my heart explodes into a million beams of light for you
i feel to much..all at once and
sometimes i just don't know what to say.

Your eyes are like arrows piercing my heart
It’s a religious experience
Your words tear through me
How you feel
I scream
Get me out
I can’t see life without your face
I have to go
I have to save myself
I’m tied in knots and it’s killing me
My heart is on the floor
The pain keeps me alive
The pleasure is more than me
Find myself searching for your hands
Willing to wait
I’m standing on the tracks
I’m wasted over you
Put me right again
I’m hangin by a string
I wanna run as fast as I can
I want to howl at the moon
I am a long hot moan
These words are nothing without you

The rain falling reminds me of the way you penetrate me

The night is dark and shadows follow me
I can’t decide if I should cross my fingers
The big black dog is staring me in the eye
I need to proceed with caution
What’s the safe bet?
Keep moving … I’m being followed

Don't leave me hard

Wasted and wounded
And it ain't what the moon did
I got what I paid for now
See you tomorrow
Hey Ma can I borrow
A couple of bucks from you
I'm an innocent victim
of a blinded alley
And I'm tired of all these soldiers here
No-one speaks English
And everything's broken
And my strength is soaking away
Now the dogs they are barking
and the taxi cab's parking
A lot they can do for me
I begged you to stab me
You tore my shirt open
And I'm down on my knees tonight
You buried the dagger
Your silhouette window light
Now I've lost my heart
Now that I kissed him
No I don't want your sympathy
The streets aren't for dreaming now
The ghost that sells memories
Want a piece of me anyhow
And you can ask any sailor
And the keys from the jailor
And the old men in wheelchairs know
That I'm the defendant
I killed about a hundred
And I won't follow you
And it's a battered old suitcase
in a hotel someplace
And a wound that would never heal
And old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
And goodnight to the street-sweepers,
The night watchmen flame-keepers
And Goodnight to him too.

If there is no time then why am i so focused on it ?
If days don't exist then why are they flying by ?
If my life is endless then why do i feel the limits ?
If love has no bounds then why do i see the beginning and the end ?
I don't want to count the seconds ~ the minutes ~ the hours ~ the days
I just want to count on right now

My bounty is as boundless as the sea
My love as deep
The more i give to thee
The more i have
For both are infinite

I can.
I will.
I will wipe the sweat of you.
I will kiss your tears.
I will be next to you to carry you through.
I will make you feel one with me.
I will love you hard.
I will be faithful to your heart.
I will hold your hand while we walk.
I will take you.
I will break you.
I will hold your head when you can’t.
I will.
I can.